A Tale of Two Mommies

…because more seems excessive…

Having it All, When You Don’t Have it All

I never wanted to get married. According to my philosophy college major self, the institution is outdated and a mere social construct. Marriage is oppressive, and I wanted to be free. I loved dating, and meeting new and like minded pretentious people. Then I graduated and suddenly found myself thrust into the adult social pool. I hated dating with such a vehement passion, having scores of stories to show for it. Only now are they funny. I suppose for some the institution is nothing more than the very outdated social construct I presumed all those years ago, but I met my perfect partner in crime. Our shared life is filled with humor above all things, and it carries us through our dichotomous trying times.

Our relationship spans just shy of fifteen years. We found each other when I was lost, struggling through things common for those floundering through their twenties, as well as encountering challenges mostly whispered by friends of friends. While I don’t believe another person can save me, my husband is my trite but true boulder. When we joined paths, I stabilized and dared to become a person.

Over the years I found my ambition, our union giving me the strength to take risks I never imagined awaited me. I’m proud of my professional accomplishments, but the decision to have children was always something so far away…until it wasn’t.

I was unexpectedly out of work just before becoming pregnant with Little Man. The plan was to work part-time, but plans are designed to be unfulfilled. My current path unfathomably different.

I read other mommy blogs and assorted online published pieces. Sometimes the thread of having it all described; its impossibility mostly. Two years and four months after my son joined our outside world and the addition of a rapidly growing sprite; I can finally say that I managed the SAHM purple unicorn.

Pre Little Man I craved the ambition of power and authority as a symbol of my success. My ambition changed raising my children, but surprisingly the same desire continues to burn indigo within me, maybe even stronger and more focused. However, to have my all I’ve had to consider what it entails beyond the superficial employment ranking. I have sponges absorbing their ocean now. I have precious little time for myself, squirreling my opportunity nuts when I have a thirty minute feast. Some days I rely on my surprising efficiency to accomplish some small task in an impossibly scant amount of uninterrupted free time.

Staying at home I see the world through separate eyes, and while I don’t want my identity to be solely with regard to others, I can’t escape their impact on they way I envision my unique identity. My all is about nurturing my ambition. Rank doesn’t hold the same promise of importance anymore. I concern myself with impact over position. After seemingly endless false starts, I found the avenues for the good work and impact I need to feel fulfilled. I can leave my small mark on humanity with the little time I have for myself. The best piece of having this all is that I see endless possibility with the opportunities I managed to discover, and maybe for the first time excited about the journey over the destination.

 

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