A Tale of Two Mommies

…because more seems excessive…

What To Do with a Day?

Little Man’s behavior…around me, at least…has become phenomenally better over the past several weeks. He’s three-and-a-half now. Maybe that can account for it? I can’t say for sure, but it’s lovely…at least until Daddy arrives. At that point, he’s excited and all bets are off. Some Wednesdays ago I wasn’t able to think of a decent activity plan. I was simply drained. I decided we would stay home for the day, which I never do. I went into it thinking it would be such madness because my son is so much more difficult to manage when I keep him in. I fought through copious guilt, and determined Mr. Man would be vegging out in front of the television all day, so I could be left alone…to grieve…exercise…for some quiet…whatever.

Image result for sloth with moss

(Obviously, Interesly also enjoys vegging out in front of a television all day.)

Eighteen-month-old Warrior Queen still takes two substantially long naps, so my planning consisted of calculating my time to be left alone.

I’d prepared in the most absurd way. I asked several friends for permission to even consider this agenda.

Image result for woman working hard

(Without a doubt Colourbox understands a day of television requires copious amounts of planning and color-coded, alphabetized spreadsheets…)

I begrudgedly accept that my son watches about two hours of brain rotting television nightly. It’s a compromise that I don’t want to get into, but it bothers me. It’s the only media he encounters. My phone is not for his use, nor is the computer. He doesn’t play games or tinker with fancy apps.

Image result for vacant stare

(Are Big Bad Baseball and I the only ones worrying about the effects of too much Puppy Dog Pals, PJ Masks…or whatever other stupid ass shows that are peddled to my son when I’d rather watch the news?)

I’m extraordinarily cautious about media exposure. People come up with all sorts of rationalizations and excuses, but the fact of the matter is that technology and devices impact brain functioning at all ages, particularly in the arena of social skills and empathy. It’s strange because there isn’t a lot of direct acknowledgment of these two key social issues. Almost all of the documentation focuses on every other conceivable skill, yet ignores the way in which we exist as social creatures. At best there are rumblings about social media exposure and texting for adolescents, but so much of our learned behavior in the world begins at the sponge stage.

Image result for child staring at toilet

(I guess Care.com also heard that referring to small children as sponges is associated to their perseveration on toilets.)

This is not to say that I am emphatically anti-technology. It’s a tool, and a marvelous one. But, it’s just that, a tool. It is not a replacement for engaging with others or forgoing the commitment of the often irritating and tiresome process of teaching offspring to be reasonable people in public. Admittedly, my kids are very young. Who’s to say? Maybe they will grow to be total twatwaddles under my parentage, but I can’t imagine cultivating my style exclusively around the functions and interventions of media will swoop in and save the day in the event my kids are a consistent embarrassment when they are definitely old enough to know better.

I probably think too much about this singular issue. It isn’t out of nowhere. I’ve spoken of my concern that my children will inherit my brain. Consequently, it is a concentrated focus of mine to ensure they have a background knowledge and general reserve of strategies for social navigation and situation comprehension. As is, if they have my brain both will be in an unavoidable quagmire of struggle. It’s gut wrenching to consider, so I try not to think of its impact. But, it’s important to me…as their primary caregiver…that I teach them whatever strategies I can to counteract as much as possible. I don’t believe in the fool’s errand of striving to ensure my children are happy. I have no control over such a thing, and part of life is about learning how to navigate the unhappy times; that also begins in early childhood. My role as parent isn’t the happy-maker; it’s teacher and home…and ass-wiping aficionado.

Image result for superhero with plunger

(Sketch Club captured how ripped my arms have become wrestling Warrior Queen into the car seat she suddenly started abhorring a month ago.)

Circling back to planning for what should be a typical Wednesday…untypically at home. I managed to give myself the permission I needed as personal self-preservation…It’s been a colossally shitty six-months with devastatingly insignificant amount of time to myself. I was all prepared…talked myself through the day…what would happen and when. The three of us played together in the morning; the two surprisingly entertaining themselves to an unexpected degree. A smooth transition to Warrior Queen’s morning nap; Little Man was looking through some books, and continued without distraction when I returned downstairs. I decided to leave him undisturbed, and take care of some emails for my volunteering gig. I managed the entire list of correspondence; no concerning noises from the other room. Mr. Man was playing, not asking about the television. I carried on with my stuff, even managing to do a bit more exercise. I actually couldn’t believe he left me alone to do it. He usually insists on annoying me throughout my entire routine until I give-up and tend to whatever issue he forgets as soon as I’m available.

Image result for tumbleweed in ghost town

(XDA Developers get that EVERYTHING is imperative to Little Man provided I’m busy doing something else.)

I kept waiting for Little Man to ask to watch the favorite boob tube, but he didn’t. He entertained himself all day, even when Warrior Queen rejoined the festivities. I couldn’t believe what an easy day it was…without cartoons or inquiry of any kind. As the day wrapped I was feeling pretty good as a parent. I’ve learned to take these wins as they come without questioning or second guessing.

A couple weeks later a similar predicament. I assumed I wouldn’t be as lucky, but figured I had television time bank. Warrior Queen went for her snooze, but my son didn’t immediately inquire about the television. He wanted stories, so I read to him snuggled on the sofa for about 45 minutes before I needed a break. He tinkered for a few then asked for cartoons. I don’t know if I fully thought out how much he would watch that day; I guess it was a play by ear kind of thing, even if I didn’t want to admit it. Such an approach wreaks havoc on my anxiety and general rigidity with routines, but I’ve simply been shit at organizing these kinds of things lately.

Image result for pile of crumbled concrete

(Sure, no probs…I can totally go with the flow…easy peasy lemon squeezy…)

Mr. Man ended up viewing an hour longer than I’d hoped. I’d watched the minutes tick away as I was discussing the creative writing program I designed with a colleague of sorts. It was an important conversation for me to have, and it wouldn’t have been possible that day without my son distracted. Fifteen or so minutes, sure. But, and hour-and-a-half conversation was an impossibility. As it went Warrior Queen was becoming challenging to manage for the last thirty minutes of the discussion.

For the longest time I spent my parenting time finding patterns and consistent interventions. Now that my daughter is more of a little person every day, consistent pattern pursuits is just one more fool’s errand to forgo. Some semblance of routines and procedures are definitely important, but at this point I have a whole range of interventions in my mind’s catalogue for just about every growing moment of my children’s lives. I can feel my brain’s plasticity as I do whatever works in any given moment before moving onto the next moment.

Image result for organized material

(Pinterest concurs; I’m a BOSS!)

Part of what works in my life’s bigger picture is seizing moments that give me feelings of some kind of positive boost…usually unrelated to parenting. I consider it a momentum thing where the result encompasses everything else in my world, particularly how I interface with my children. That was this phone call.

I’ve come to understand that our Department of Corrections doesn’t value creative writing programs…not as a platform of self expression with no direct career implications anyway. There might be some literature attesting to the value of writing, but doubtful there is anything conclusively praising its prevention of recidivism. And, when resources are tight, results matter. I get it. I don’t like implementing squishy things, but anecdotally I know writing to be a tremendous benefit and outlet, even if I don’t have the concrete data of a study to support it. I was told that various individuals have been trying for twenty years to reinstate a creative writing program to no avail…until mine was approved…the one I ran at our maximum facility this summer. So, a local and prestigious university is running my program this term. I’m still not entirely clear how such a thing came to fruition, but it’s pretty groovy…humbling…unexpected. I’m a stay-at-home mom who toils in stolen minutes with things important to me. I rarely talk with peers, even more rarely do I meet with anyone pertaining to something within a professional realm. I have my passions, and I strive to make a difference; but in this field I’m often blind to my impact. I just do my thing, but surprisingly often over the past year I’m dumbstruck by feedback of some marvel of a task I accomplished.

Image result for light shining from the heavens

(Desktop Nexus Nature never envisioned its role in my time occupations when I’ve had a good day.)

The conversation I had this day was with the individual teaching my creative writing program through the university, updating me and strategizing…comparing notes from my class over the summer at the same facility. We are in the beginning stages of developing a systemic writing program that will eventually join with a larger national writing group with ambitions to extend their reach in our corrections system.

I’m grand at dismissing and minimizing my accomplishments. This program is no different. I always assume that anyone can do what I do…anyone can create what I can…anyone can achieve the results I do. Often I question the results themselves. It’s rare I get a clear window into the quality of my skill in any given capacity. Even these months later I’d been feeling insecure about how my class ran over the summer. I’ve received feedback that the class was a great success, but I’ve had a significant amount of difficulty believing…or accepting such notions. Intellectually I kinda get the way things went down; the issues out of my control and the barriers to teaching…intervening with incarcerated populations. But, I perpetually strive to do better. Unfortunately, my time is not my own so I likely will not have an opportunity to be better until the spring or summer of next year. It’s painfully long to try out the interventions I’m considering. But, this small moment that I needed in the midst of a horrible six-month period when my threenager watched too much television…my toddler toddled around while I mostly ignored her…I could tend to myself. I seized an opportunity to give myself a needed boost that I certainly deserve if for no other reason than I am a human in this world tramping along like anyone else.

Image result for house falling apart

(Toddler was left to her own devices, but totally worth it, right Encounters with Cinema?)

I can’t say that things are consistently easier at the moment, but I have something important to smile about and focus on when another wave of sadness hits or I feel my control slipping. In the days following the phone call, I had a little more patience with my son…much of the time. I was little more interested in the snuggles Warrior Queen provides. I’m a believer in moderation in just about everything. I’m a believer in experiencing moments. I’m a believer in connecting to people in real time. I’m a believer in most of our learning is not through images on a screen. But, these days I’m focusing on the belief that at some point something has to give, and a rare day of wasted time can yield future moments that aren’t.

Advertisements

7 responses to “What To Do with a Day?

  1. https://kissanimemobileonline.com/kissanime-dragon-ball-super/ December 3, 2017 at 12:51 am

    I got this web page from my pal who shared with me on the topic
    of this web site and now this time I am browsing this website and reading very informative content at this time.

    Like

  2. Sight11 December 2, 2017 at 4:48 am

    Little Man is like his mom. So how does it feel like making a change even when multitasking…Allison?

    Like

    • Allison Alter (apprehensively expecting) December 2, 2017 at 7:36 pm

      That is an interesting question. Everything is in flux and in isolation most of the time, so it’s hard to know what kind of change is occurring. I’m working on a reentry program initiated by the Department of Corrections, and it is SO much work. That’s the main project consuming my thoughts at the moment. I suppose results aside, it’s good to do something important…or TRY to do something important. The tricky thing for me is acknowledging the substantial deal of what I’ve actually managed instead of brushing it off because I can’t know for some time (at the very least) if what I’ve accomplished has a real life impact. I’ve leaned in my life, especially as a manager taking on HUGE messes, that it’s the small, gradual steps that yield the true results. I don’t know if it’s just an American thing, but we expect single grand gestures to change the world. The reality is that it’s usually a nameless, faceless coalition chipping away at something until one day it’s realized something really huge occurred. So, I suppose I’m waiting to be shocked down the road, but trying to appreciate the small learning things along the way.

      I very much worry about my son…both kids actually, but it’s my own insecurities, so I try to keep it from interfering with their experience. And, then there are days here and there when he is a raging douche. In those moments he is DEFINITELY my husband’s child. 😉

      How are you doing these days?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sight11 December 3, 2017 at 1:05 am

        I think and I could be wrong it’s a former professional instinct. Being a manager you had an eye on all the progress, basically means you being in the driver seat. With the latest offering it brings the same commitment and pressure and takes away the power of analysis. Maybe I am wrong. You will do just fine Allison, no one needs to tell you that.

        Little Man and Warrior Queen are great. I smile everytime I read about them.

        As for me, well I am stuck at home. I don’t know, but if I would have to describe myself in all honesty, failure is a term I will use in a rampant manner.

        Like

      • Allison Alter (apprehensively expecting) December 3, 2017 at 7:50 am

        I’m sorry for your struggles…whatever they may be, and that place you are describing is a horrible feeling. I know it well. My hope is that your life and mind doesn’t sit there too long. I don’t have much to offer, other than something I try to remind myself when things feel stuck. Life often feels static, like what is will always be. But, the reality is that life is extraordinarily dynamic, and can change in a blink can change in either direction without warning or prediction. Suddenly you can look around the corner and things are unrecognizable…in both directions. I don’t know your circumstances. For me I have much, and important privilege that allows me to take actions some cannot. I don’t know where you would fare in that kind of spectrum. But, for me I try to focus on small things that give me SOME kind of good feeling, even if nothing is changed. Whatever I can do to carry me through. You are welcome to email me if you wish (apprehensively.expecting@gmail.com). I’m happy to be an ear…or an eye. It can also be in my comment section, but in the case you need an outlet, and wish for more privacy.

        Be well.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Sight11 December 4, 2017 at 2:34 am

        Don’t worry Allison, you already have your plate full. I won’t bother you with mine. Just take care of yourself and your family.. See you around.

        Like

      • Allison Alter (apprehensively expecting) December 5, 2017 at 1:45 pm

        My apologies for the delay in response. I appreciate your concern, but I feel like every storm…or almost every one anyway…is easier to manage when we aren’t along. Some of the greatest privileges of humanity are…humanity, and we are all better as humans when we connect and support each other…even from distances and unconventional means. My plate is always full…I feel like EVERYONE’s is ALWAYS full, but these kinds of plates don’t really have capacity. If you need an ear…or an eye in this case, please, contact me. Humanity is worth it, and I won’t feel it a burden if it’s something you need. Sometimes the limitations and unknowns of strangers yield the most comfort and personal progress.

        In either case, be well; and I wish for you an easier time when failure becomes something in your rearview window with something marvelous ahead.

        Liked by 1 person

What are your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: