A Tale of Two Mommies

…because more seems excessive…

Currents and Tides

This is a painful post to write. I’d been holding off and hoping that the context of the terrible would be cloaked in good news…but it will never be good news. This will not be a footnote for things turning to something I desperately wish; such is life.

Important details I’m leaving out, but I can speak of sufficient pieces for this to hold some weight for others. I blather on abstractly about the challenge of things, especially in the last year. Some I’ve disclosed, other things I don’t. They are important for me and my life, but I’ve found that this blog is a practice in narrow compartmentalization. This just one more compartment that will sting for…maybe forever…maybe it will pass. I’m too weary to think beyond this moment until the next moment arrives. Eventually the day ends and I pass into a new series of moments and things happening around me that I try to appreciate. I’m intermittently successful, even if the high is short-lived.

It’s funny; I had been so ambivalent about having children, and now from my very core I curse my cowardice. If I’d been more purposed with starting the childbearing process, I’d be able to have a third. I regret that most during most of the passing moments. I try to remind myself that an earlier start would be a different Little Man and Warrior Queen…or maybe neither at all, but it’s not much consolation. I hope some day it is.

But, it’s more cruel feeling than that. We weren’t supposed to expand the family beyond what we have, at least that’s been the official stance. I just lost another pregnancy…another pregnancy I was never supposed to have, and there is some inkling that there were several more before that. I’d kept it hidden, and mostly suppressed it for the duration for various reasons. It’s been a horrible six months of uncertainty; plagued with timelines before heavy bleeding begins…again. The slow emergence of devastation as the quantity increases. I’m middle-aged. It’s to be expected. If we were trying for another, then it would be a brief grief. I’m well practiced at such things…I lost four babies before my pregnancy with Warrior Queen. The hurt of the loss significantly lessened with the baby as it should be growing and on the way.

That won’t be the case this time. I’m certain of it, and I’m left feeling this emptiness and gnawing incomplete thoughts of my family. I hope some day it leaves, but it isn’t so simple. Some women never shake it; or if they do, it’s decades later. It’s hard to explain the phenomenon. It isn’t that I’m unhappy about what I have; something just feels missing.

Walking Little Man to class, and subsequently retrieving him at the end of his school day has been mostly heartbreaking for me…SO many pregnant women…SO many babies…SO many families of three. It’s something I won’t have, but I’m not allowed to ignore it until the information resides in the back of my mind collecting cobwebs and dust. Even the ultrasound tech was in the sunset of her pregnancy. I couldn’t stop staring at her belly as she tried to comfort me sobbing from information I already knew. At another time it would have been amusing, her thick Russian accent and facial expressions hinted at a kind of conversation foreign to her. But, she did a good job; I’m appreciative of her…the doctor didn’t bother to meet with me. I’m bitter about it for no reason because I’m simply bitter.

Right now the pain is oppressive if I think about it…I can’t stop thinking about it. At the moment my time with my kids has a lingering loss of the addition I hoped would work…this time.

The finality has been unfolding this week, but I’ve been consumed for months, five or six maybe? I’ve lost track…maybe more? I’ve become increasingly weary from this process. I’m sleeping, but I wake-up tired…from this, and everything else going on that I’m not mentioning. I’ve been stumbling over and having trouble retrieving words, and doing more than the bare necessities the past few weeks as I’ve pushed myself to take life action.

I’d been realizing what a lousy friend I’ve been the last year. I was confronted with it again yesterday. A friend just had a baby…I didn’t know she was pregnant. I had been so good at keeping up with my various connections over the years, but I’ve let so many lapse in the last one. I’m barely seeing or talking to people; keeping my world small.

The past month my calls to Congress and various other entities have lapsed significantly. I manage once a week maybe? So many important things I need to be present for, but I can’t bring myself to because getting through at this moment requires so much.

My main coping skill, exercise, has dropped significantly too. Happily not entirely, but my legs are heavy and I’m tired…so I rest instead. When I don’t have the motivation, I’ve learned to take the signal seriously.

Last week was the final class at the prison. It was a good class, tough group to reach. Midway through I learned this was a group of men who mostly struggle to complete programs. My attendance was phenomenal; perfect or one absence for the duration. There are no longer as many people in my life who get that bit of data, so it’s that much more sadness. But, it’s old sadness; I’m used to its weight so that I hardly notice anymore. I started a new group this week; it’s a good group. The first class had been dodgy for me with my other runs, but this time I think I got it right…If they show next week, I’ll know for sure. I mention this because I left feeling a high I needed, and the float persisted on the ride home. No real thoughts flooding my mind; I simply felt good. For once in my life I didn’t overthink it. It faded when I entered my house; a slow seep before I’m back to that nagging sadness. But, it can’t be so bad because I’m writing even if the content isn’t so cheery. Once again I didn’t make my calls, but maybe I’ll get something else done.

My doctor went over the various tests; everything is normal and nothing is wrong. At the end she paused; in kindness said she’s concerned. I don’t look good. I know what she means. I don’t know that I’ve seen friends for a while, especially in the last few weeks when things have been so horrible.

This doesn’t need a label, nor will this feeling be forever. I’ve encountered my fair share of bad things, some surpassing this batch of terrible. At some point things will be better…eventually. But, right now it’s not.

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6 responses to “Currents and Tides

  1. monikamusings June 9, 2018 at 12:24 am

    When you’re going through hell, keep going.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sight11 June 8, 2018 at 8:00 pm

    It’s not easy, but in my understanding, and I may be wrong, ignoring it is the worst that you can do. Acknowledging that the problem exist is different then knowing it. I always knew about my problems, but I didn’t acknowledge it. Right now as I’m new to my profession, I realise I don’t have even basic professional etiquettes, something that I’m not afraid to admit is because of my lack of social circle. Allison I can never feel the pain that you feel, but to some extent I understand it. Right now all I can say is don’t ignore yourself. Just prioritise yourself first. And it’s OK to be sometimes if not always mad at yourself and others. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Allison Alter (apprehensively expecting) June 8, 2018 at 8:14 pm

      Thanks. Right now there is just so much that I just have to numb over to get through. With small kids around all the time I have to schedule grief or whatever sometimes…depending on how much it would keep me from functioning. And, it’s also picking one issue at a time. Most I didn’t mention. One I will in another post, but if I think about EVERYTHING I just become overwhelmed. One thing at a time, and I’m not even sure how I decide.

      Work is tricky. I’ve had some professional rubs as well. I don’t know if it’s etiquette, but I’m certainly distant and focused on the task. I tend to not make friends in an environment that tends to prioritize friendships over the work. I guess it’s a trade-off, but I’m quite good at what I do. Now it isn’t relevant so much, as most of my work is voluntary. My face time with people professionally is quite limited, and the most consistent person-to-person interactions I experience is with an incarcerated population…They aren’t too picky… 😉

      You mention you are quite busy with work. A new profession? I know you are private, so I won’t ask, but do you like it? Is it a dream for you or something you just fell into?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sight11 June 9, 2018 at 12:37 pm

        Allison it’s my first job. It’s something I fell into, to pay the bills and stop being a parasite to my parent. As for whether I like it or not. Being fairly honest I don’t.
        You’re great as you can multitask and create change, and still change yourself for your children.
        I don’t make friends easily, and have a hard time communicating, so I guess problem is with me.

        Like

      • Allison Alter (apprehensively expecting) June 9, 2018 at 1:04 pm

        Sucky jobs are terrible…I’ve had my fair share. My first real job to pay the bills was an inner city school. I was terrible, and horrendously under prepared despite having just finished graduate work. For a full year after I continued to have nightmares about it. It wasn’t all me. I had a bad feeling going in, but listened to the wrong person, and took the job. I learned to trust my gut after that position. It hasn’t led me wrong yet, for the most part. But, I often go against the grain, so I’m in an almost constant state of proving people wrong. But, without that shitty job, I wouldn’t have STARTED thinking for myself. Truly dark time for me, only now is it emotionally neutral…probably because I’ve come such a long way from that point.

        Socially I struggle too, though I’m significantly better than I used to be. I usually say something wrong and offensive without realizing. There are some other complications too. I think the difference is that I’ve SLOWLY found people who are odd like me. I’ve faced some hard truths about myself, and push myself to be uncomfortable so I don’t remain stuck. But, it’s so hard to be lonely. It’s hard to break free of comfort and security, and people can be such fickle asshats sometimes…often.

        I think these days I’ve become better, though not perfect, at determining what’s my fault and what is on someone else. For the longest time I assumed the dysfunction was squarely all on me…sometimes it is…my default is to assume so. But, surprisingly I’ve found that even though I’m awkward and imperfect so much of the time, often other people have their shtick too. At times I’ve found that events I’ve spent YEARS tormenting myself about have been mostly someone else behaving like a bigger dick than I was. For example, sure, I’d say the wrong thing, but it’s obvious that it was’t malice. The other person responded in malice in a completely inappropriate way.

        But, it’s good to be self-reflective. At some point we can embrace our imperfections. I’ve met some phenomenal people BECAUSE of my imperfect self. Make no mistake I’ve lost more because of it. But, as time passed I realize they weren’t perfect for me. They weren’t bad people per se, but we find our people…gradually. And, for a long time there might be misery, but if we keep working at it, there are moments of grace and reprieve.

        Thank you, for you kind words. You seem like good people. Don’t lose sight of that. Not everyone is. If you stay true to that, at some point…little by little a life develops.

        Liked by 1 person

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