Life as Pictures: snow adventures

This is the first year I took the kids outside on a snow day. I’m not sure what was happening the other years to make this particular one not as much of a barrier. Maybe my Mom Guilt slacking has culminated into a resolve for this one to be different? Regardless, the snow day was more or less predictable. By the time the official call came through, I’d been preparing about what the next day would entail. Certainly there would be some outside snow action, but I also had to consider what else would keep me sane when I knew we would be remaining in the house. I chose to get us outside early to get it over with. I’d been anxious about the preparations because it’s a new process, and new processes make me anxious. I get I’ll be fine, but I’m not good with change, particularly to my routine. That said, my entire existence is one of discomfort. In some ways it’s an asset because if I’m almost never comfortable, additional elements of discomfort don’t present as the obstacle they might otherwise. Consequently, I decide what I want to do or what needs to be done, and I work toward that goal.

I don’t like taking pictures of EVERYTHING, but I try to remember to document firsts…try…I often fail at it. Mostly I focus on experiencing things, and have to remind myself when I need to have a collection of pictures…for timekeeping…for family…for whatever. This snow day was a first…a first for me to take them outside…the first year I adequately prepared for such an event…the first year I’ve had this focus on ensuring I’m not emotionally separating myself from life to manage through. It isn’t that I haven’t be present in my life. Generally, I’ve done okay considering, but this is the first span of time in quite a while that isn’t a constant bombardment of cycling grief.

The day began with a puzzle. Mr. Man is desperate for his sister to love them as he does, but I think she’s still to small. Little Man’s interest isn’t even a year old. But, he tries. He retrieves a puzzle from our collection of twenty-some piece ones that I forgot we had. In his efforts to demonstrate what is placed where, he’s compiled the entire thing in a minute. Warrior Queen is never interested, but also never seems to mind. She loves playing with her big bother, and I think looks at this puzzle as all the others that are more his speed. She sits close to him and they chat in incongruous conversations, but somehow they seem to get each other and enjoy the proximity.

This is minutes after I realized that I forgot to ask the kids to use the potty before getting them garbed in their winter attire. They are both potty trained; an accident here and there, but I suppose it’s overall safe to gift them the label. I don’t think either needs me to prompt them, but I equally don’t trust that they have the body awareness. So, sitting on the kitchen chair in the garage left me frazzled as they were playing. I kept asking. They kept refusing. No accidents, so I think I need to get a grip and trust them at this point.

The next part of the snow day was the hot chocolate Little Man sort of loves…or loves the routine anyway, and the mug Warrior Queen hounds me about, yet doesn’t drink.

I don’t usually do television during the day unless someone is sick, but turned it on for a little while. I took the opportunity to look through the materials for a textbanking group supporting all kinds of campaigns throughout the country. I’ve wanted to take part for a long time, but the structure was intimidating for my first textbanking go. I decided to table it until I had my sea legs, which I do at this point. I didn’t even need the television as a distraction. Because the kids had their hour outside and their promised hot chocolate, they left me alone to brief myself on this latest thing I want to commit to. It’s funny what experience will yield. This group, while very organized, was extraordinarily intimidating for me. Now it’s very much standard textbanking fair, and I’m ready to start when the campaign needs role in. I’m told it will be a couple days, so I’m looking forward to that.

Eventually, the television went on; Warrior Queen asked. I took that time to begin a Microsoft certification program I’m working with a couple of others to run at our women’s prison. If we manage, and the kinks are worked through, the plan is to implement it throughout the system. The cost will require different groups to work together, but it shouldn’t be too much of a barrier when push comes to shove. The snow day festivities provided a few moments to research things and establish the form in my computer files. As I write this post, the draft is complete. I need to update costs and a few of the administrative needs, but otherwise it’s finished. When I ventured out of the office, Little Man had gravitated from the television to his puzzle. Seeing me led to a beckoning of me joining him in his latest puzzle project. I sorted my snack, made some calls to Congress, and joined him as I promised. By then the television program concluded, Warrior Queen turned it off on her own and found my lap.

We’ve had a couple snow days since. I take the kids out each time, but the latest had them barely lasting twenty minutes. I suppose the novelty wore off. But, for all of my uncertainty and nervousness of what to expect that first snow day, the house was still standing, and I RULE at this parenting thing!

Life Goals…in a calendar year

I don’t really do resolutions per se, but I do like to reflect on the ending year and choose an initial course for the next. I feel like this year the benchmark snuck up on me, so I’m not quite prepared. But, no time like the present…

I look forward to beginning a second version of my creative writing program at two new facilities in February, a men’s minimum and our women’s facility. The former was not on my radar, the latter an explicit goal for a while now. I’d hoped to apply for some kind of grant to cover child care. It doesn’t look like it’s possible, so I need to be creative about both. I think I can swing the schedule without too much heartache or struggle. That’s a relief to me. I’d been hoping I’d get the federal prison gig, but the budget is late. So, the wait continues… I hope by the spring I’ll be teaching at four facilities, and by the summer adding a couple more. I’d add another round at the medium I intermittently commit to; the timing depends on my child care options. But, since things are mostly squared away on another front, in the spring the time might come for me to actively pursue teaching at a county facility I’d been eyeing for some time now. My hope is that when summer begins its swing, I’ll be well positioned to continue or start. From there? I suppose I’ll have to see what opportunities present themselves.

Now that 2020 is here, I *should* be hearing about a creative writing independent study I proposed for the men’s maximum. It’s a program that the administration is anxious to see materialize. I’m anxious too. It’s a little different; I hope it goes through. It would solve a few institutional issues if it is implemented as I proposed the program.

I look forward to resuming our trips to the assisted living. We needed to move to a different one. Little Man misses the venture especially, so I’m relieved our long break from such an effort will come to an end. The start is a little way off, but rapidly becoming a set day and time. And, now that Little Man attends school for the entire day, his counseling sessions stopped. He’s disappointed about that, but we might continue in the summer when he will likely need the support. With that schedule item ceasing, I plan to take the kids to our local food bank twice a month to stock shelves. I’ve been wanting to do this for so long I’ve lost track of the time. I feel a similar eagerness as I did for the Turkey Trot, though that torch burned longer.

I hope to continue my more regular publications on this site, but the format is mostly old hat for me at this point…though my posts probably used to be a little more interesting with the time and detail of the past…assuming they were interesting in the first place, I had to consider what was most important, and I decided the documentation. If I ever get back to some of the other bits of flair, super. But, I won’t torment myself if it never happens. This year I want to invest in writing more stories. I’ve lost my spark to publish, for the most part, but not to write. At some point on my road I decided the act of writing for no other eyes but mine is enough. Maybe some day more of my work will see light, and maybe not. It isn’t that I’m bad at writing stories, but I need to write more in order to improve. Given that I will be increasing my teaching of such content significantly, I can’t in good conscious ignore nurturing my own craft. So, writing more stories will be a focus in the coming year, while returning to the commitment I had on this blog in the initial years.

I look forward to starting a knit/crochet group with a friend. Something during the day that’s kid friendly. I don’t know that I have much more to say than that at the moment. I have a vision, but the reality will likely be much more chill and last minute. Thanks to my friend, the foundation is set. Now that the New Year has jumped both feet into my world, a new project will start.

This is an ongoing thing for me, but I need to keep working on my perceptions of myself and my work. I don’t think things I do are shoddy. I don’t feel bad about myself or my accomplishments. But, those moments I’m feeling good about something, a nagging voice sneaks into my mind. One that compares my glowing feelings with the presumed reality that others have something figured out that I don’t. I’ve always been terrible with self-promotion, and I need to work on that. I make a point to follow people on social media who engage in criminal justice work, and it always seems as though they have these massively profound impacts with important work that I can’t possibly fathom. Then the pride I feel for my own projects becomes diminished to that inflated comparison. I need to make a more purposeful effort to step back from that narrative. My old boss and friend used to say to me when I was stuck in these circles: If anyone had these social issues figured out, the problems wouldn’t exist. He was right. He’s been right about a lot. Corrections is a quagmire of stuff. I don’t know my impact specifically with regards to the big picture, but I do the work and I do it well. I concretely manage impressive results in the immediate. In this new year I hope to do more of the work. So in the grand scheme I need to reality test. Do all of these people have such an extraordinary impact, or are they better at self-promotion? I’m not sure I can really know, except certainty that they don’t have anything profound figured out that makes our corrections system no longer a thing in our society. I need to hold my own data in my mind with more fervor than I hold what I presume the data to be from others.

My writing program at the maximum is the most popular program they run. There are a little over one hundred men who want to take it. My attendance at two facilities is considered on the level of miraculous. In this next year I need to work toward establishing more data points, like creating an evaluation at the end of the course. I do an optional one for the college group. I’m not sure why I haven’t made it a priority for the prison students. There are probably several pragmatic reasons, but it’s also fear. I need to face that fear.

I suppose the moral of the story is that I need to focus on facing things that scare me, mostly issues connected to how I perceive my professional worth. Based on my known achievements in the system, I would probably be pleasantly surprised and humbled by the feedback. In my college course, I typically receive interesting suggestions that I incorporate in addition to lovely notes of praise and support. But, the fear isn’t really that I feel as though my work is terrible or pointless. I think the fear is accepting the impression that others have of me. It’s a trauma response. It’s physically uncomfortable for me to feel successful, so I don’t allow myself to think about it too deeply. I need to make my peace with that. I’m not afraid to fail. Failure has been a consistent theme in my life that I build from. So, maybe most of all in 2020 I want to finally accept what so many others see.